The Tooth Fairy Diaries.....

2/12/05 Dear Diary, Sophie lost her first tooth today. The tooth fairy arrived home five nanoseconds before the tooth fell out. Unfortunately, she had arrived home from a three day stint in the hospital delivering Sophie's sister by c-section and was in no condition to carry out her tooth fairy duties. (Percoset on the rocks, anyone?) Not sure who misplaced the tooth, Sophie or the tooth fairy, but Sophie left the nicest note (in dad's handwriting) under her pillow explaining the missing tooth.

2/13/05 Dear Diary, Sophie was amazed to find a $20 bill under her pillow. Desperate times call for desperate measures as we were all too sleep-deprived with the new baby to actually get behind the wheel of a car to go get change for a $20, which was all we had. This could get expensive.

5/10/05 Dear Diary, Sophie lost another tooth and the tooth fairy is caught in a huge dilemma. How do you convince a five year old that her first front tooth was worth $20 but her second one is worth only $1? The problem solved itself as the tooth fairy was too lazy to schlep two kids into car seats and hit the ATM. She found a $10 bill in her purse. This could get expensive.

7/21/06 Dear Diary, Sophie lost another tooth. She has become emotionally attached to the little tooth and is unwilling to give it up to the tooth fairy. I've worked hard to attain my position as tooth fairy. Frankly, I'm more excited than the gap-toothed tyrant about the whole thing and am not about to let her keep the stupid tooth and deprive me of my duties. No amount of cajoling, bribing (Another $20?) or stomping of feet would convince her. In desperation, we helped her write a long letter to the tooth fairy explaining her wish to keep the tooth. She put the letter under the pillow. The tooth fairy gave her 50 cents.

7/22/06 Dear Diary, Sophie was bummed about the 50 cents. We explained that the tooth fairy paid according to the weight of each tooth and since she kept the tooth, the only thing the tooth fairy had to weigh was the letter. Sophie said next time, she was writing the letter on her skateboard, since it was pretty heavy. The tooth fairy thinks she might need to get a part-time job if this keeps up.

7/22/06 Dear Diary, Sophie just reminded us that she got $20 for that first tooth and she'd given a letter to the tooth fairy that time, too, so she thinks she just got gypped. The tooth fairy is running out of creative explanations so she's hired an assistant. Let him figure it out.

(Fast Forward to 3/29/09)Dear Diary, the tooth fairy has been out of work for quite some time, so imagine her shock when Sophie loses a tooth while eating a brownie at lunch. Not sure how this happened, we thought she'd lost all her baby teeth. Apparently, this one had been holding out on us and Sophie is now old enough to know the value of a dollar (she's saving for a DS game), so the emotional attachment to this tooth doesn't exist. (A letter and a 50 cent payment is out of the question.) SHIT! Its 2009, the tooth fairy doesn't carry cash so, unless the kid has something hidden under her pillow that the tooth fairy can swipe her ATM card through, we are in big trouble. Makes a mental note to make a bank run after dinner but somehow loses mental note.

3/29/09 (9:30pm) Dear Diary, Oh shit. Tooth fairy knew she forgot to do something today....go to the bank for tooth cash. Consider writing Sophie a check. Scratch that. Consider an IOU under the pillow but finally opt to send Dad to the drive-through ATM. Dad returns looking concerned. The ATM only spits out $20 bills. He got one but it seems excessive. Now what?

3/29/09 (10:00 pm): Dear Diary, Tooth fairy is tempted to just come clean about her identity and take the kid out for ice cream after breakfast but chickens out. We agree that (once again) desperate times call for desperate measures and slide the $20 under her pillow. (Allie will be 5 in February and will soon be losing her own teeth...this could get expensive).

7/22/09: Dear Diary, Tooth fairy needs a drink. Sophie had another hold-out. I'm starting to wonder where these teeth are coming from. We are in the middle of a heatwave and the tooth fairy is unwilling to leave the comfort of her air-conditioning to procure money for a damned tooth. Suggests Sophie sell it on eBay and begins rooting through the pantry for a bottle of wine.

7/22/09: (11:58 pm): Dear Diary, Guilt has set in. Worries the tooth is actually under the pillow and that Sophie will be traumatized to find it still there in the morning. Scrounge through coat pockets, car ashtrays and couch cushions looking for change. No luck...Sophie's already got it, she is saving for another DS game. Tooth fairy wants to cry. Briefly considers IOU. Lays down on her bed to think through the options. Falls asleep.

7/23/09 (5 am): Dear Diary, Tooth fairy is startled awake and realizes she has not figured out the tooth issue. Feels the weight of her guilt and stumbles into the hall. Debates driving to the ATM in her bathrobe but is afraid the sound of the garage door opening will wake Sophie and blow her cover. Tooth fairy has a light bulb moment and remembers Allie's birthday money is stuffed inside a plastic piggy bank. Briefly wonders if she will go to hell if she steals from one kid to pay the other. Sits down on the stairs and ponders dilemma until she begins to doze. Jolts awake and decides guilt is for sissies.

7/23/09 (5:30 am): Dear Diary: Tooth Fairy uses all of her magical powers to sneak into Allie's room, stuff an IOU into the piggy bank and rip off a $5 bill from her youngest child, without making a sound, and sneaks into Sophie's room to retrieve the tooth to leave the cash. Sophie is blessedly snoring and does not stir while the exchange is being made. Tooth fairy goes back to her room and falls asleep.

7/24/2009: Dear Diary, Have decided to write a self-help book. Will title it 'Tooth Fairy for Dummies'. This will be followed by a sequel entitled "Tooth Fairy On A Budget".

Have been invited to speak at the next Convention of the Tooth Fairy Society, where I will discuss having an open line of communication with pediatric dentist so there are no last minute hold-outs dropping out of child's grill and surprising parents before pay day. Will also discuss the benefits of a pricing guide and hidden cash jar specifically for tooth payments. Last, will provide referral to my psychotherapist for tooth fairies suffering from post piggy bank robbery guilt.

7/25/2009: Dear Diary, Have decided to retire. Will promote Kevin from assistant to Senior Tooth Fairy. My work here is done.