Top 10 Highlights Of An Afternoon In The E.R.

I called my mom on Wednesday and, apparently, the shock of this unplanned phone call caused severe distress. She immediately began to feel dizzy and nauseous and handed the phone to my brother (who happens to be visiting this week). He seemed to think she'd be fine so we hung up. I received a phone call one hour later from the local hospital where my brother had ultimately rushed her (by running red lights and speeding like a maniac through town...most excitement my fellow townies have seen all month).

I have to say, my experiences in this particular hospital have been interesting, though the last time I was there it was due to my own illness so I wasn't being a good people watcher (read: eavesdropper). This time, I was totally on my A game. Here are the highlights:

1. When the instructions on your prescription bottle of Soma indicate 1 pill four times a day, this does not mean that it is acceptable to wake up at 7 a.m. and take one, followed by another at 8 a.m., followed by another at 9 a.m. followed by another at 10 a.m. This might eliminate the hassle of having to remember to take your medication later in the day and before bed, but it also ensures you will wind up comatose, miss a day of work, and be laughed at by the nursing staff who think you are a bloody idiot when they ask you for your date of birth and you respond by telling every female in scrubs that she's hot and you want to marry her. (no this was NOT my mother, it was the 28 year old married guy in the cubicle beside hers. For the record, his wife was present at the time.)

2. If you must bring your small children into the ER (I left mine at home with their father), please be advised it is best to bring along something to keep them occupied (Nintendo DS works marvelously). When they become hungry and cranky, threatening to have the doctor bring an extra 'shot' just for them if they don't shut up is just plain wrong. Also, good luck the next time you visit the pediatrician's office for immunizations. Don't come crying to me when your kid freaks out and wonders what he did wrong to be punished by the doctor. Oh yeah, and if you do lower yourself to threatening your kids with needles, let me know which pediatrician you use so I can ensure I find another. I find it rather traumatizing to listen to children believing they are being tortured.

3. If you still insist on bringing your children into the E.R., letting them play on the floor beside their stoned father's stretcher is asking for trouble. For one thing, every liquid and solid that can possibly issue forth from a human body has been on that floor. No amount of antiseptic wash could possibly be strong enough to render the floor an acceptable place to play, eat or nap. Period.

4. Do not be impressed when your E.R. doc starts throwing around things like, "MRI", "EKG" "CT Scan" or "BP". All of these mysterious letters boil down to this...Standard Operating Procedure. In other words, they make money off of you while covering their own asses in case you happen to go home with an undiagnosed condition that kills you later that night and your family decides to sue them.

5. If you work in the hospital's food services division, it is expected that you will be insolent and lazy. Its not as if anyone actually likes what you serve them. However, if you would like to remain gainfully employed(though under-appreciated), do NOT 'forget' to produce a meal specifically ordered by a doctor who's patient is diabetic and suffering from hypoglycemia. When said patient collapses from low blood sugar, it will be your ass on the line. Plain and simple.

6. If you visit the E.R., the temperature on the outside of the building is irrelevant. You could fry an egg on the pavement in the Ambulance Loading Zone, but it will be cold enough to cause hypothermia once you enter the building. For that reason, be prepared to wear closed-toe shoes to avoid potential frostbite. Remember, you are there to be a support to the patient, NOT become one (and seriously? Nobody looks good in flip-flops after their toes have been amputated).

7. Hospital time is...well...its kind of like Blackhart time, actually. Don't bother to watch the clock, it will only drive you crazy. Lab test results, intake forms, discharge paperwork that could be provided in five minutes anywhere else, will take five hours. Come to think of it, hospital charges follow the same protocol. A $2 box of tissue from Wal Mart will become a $30 box of tissue on your bill. I've had various medical professionals explain this anomaly to me but it still only makes sense to them and good luck asking if you can go tissue-less, I've tried it, no dice.

8. After three hours of lab tests and no diagnosis, expect the doctor to begin the avoidance dance. This is where he has no answers but doesn't want to admit he's as clueless as he was before he started poking and x-raying. This is to be expected. He (or she) has his/her pride to think about and cornering him in the nurse's station to say, "Fifteen years worth of education and you can't find anything? Was your medical training done through a correspondence course?" will only prolong your E.R. experience.

9. When the doctor has ordered every single test in his bag of tricks and is finally ready to give up on the patient, he will manufacture something that sounds serious but actually means nothing at all. In my mother's case, for example, he strolled into the room looking quite serious and announced that she was suffering from....(drum roll, please!).....Acute Vertigo (capital letters intended). This is the part where he hopes you are gullible enough to accept his answer, or at least uneducated enough to believe this is a legitimate malady. At this point, he's basically done and your discharge papers are about to be signed so if you want to laugh or roll your eyes, feel free. I pointed out that I'd never heard of Vertigo (dizziness) that wasn't acute. You're either dizzy or you're not, right? Secondly, in my world Vertigo is a symptom, not a diagnosis. Spin around in circles, drink too much tequila, suffer from an inner ear infection....all these things give me the SYMPTOM of acute dizziness.

Read between the lines: You have been punked. You will now be expected to turn over your firstborn child in payment for the expenses incurred but there is a bright side to this. You will get a parting gift! Oh, goodie! I love presents. The doctor will hand you a prescription (with his autograph) for something you could buy over the counter at Wal Martand thank you for coming in (after all, if it weren't for your Acute Vertigo how would he make his Mercedes payment?)

10. Once you are dressed, you will begin the slow process of weaving your way through the of the waiting room to get the hell out of there. It is then that the dangerous part begins. You will discover that the dregs of society use the waiting room as their meeting place. Police officers escorting drunk drivers to the lab to measure blood alcohol levels, tattooed gang members visiting a 'homie' who happened to find himself on the wrong side of a sharp knife (and typically, he won't remember who was holding it). You will be exposed to a virulent cocktail of bacterial and viral infections of the worst kind through oozing burns, open wounds, saliva particulate propelled 500 miles per hour by a diseased cough-er. You will try not to breathe, or touch, anything and you will hope that your undiagnosed reason for being there is not being supplanted by a germ that will send you back for something diagnose-able. Run fast as you will be as close to Hell as you can possibly get without actually dying and being sent there.

Feel Better Soon....and have a nice day!