The Wally World Experience

I'd never spent a great deal of time at the local "Wally-World" before I had kids. I saw the commercials and equated it to some kind of warehouse store. After I had kids, and we moved into our current town, "Wally-World" seemed like a bit of a blessing. Instead of driving to four separate locations around town, I was able to get the tires rotated on my car, buy dog food and cleaning supplies, pick up chicken and veggies for dinner, even buy art supplies for my kids, without ever leaving the building. What could be more convenient? In theory, it IS convenient. In practice....not so much!

I'm not bashing the store. I don't know what the stores in other communities are like, so I can only refer to the one in my own. That being said, my first warning that this place was going to be a ginormous headache was driving into the parking lot. Is it just me or do people intentionally cross from the store to the parking lot in droves while moving in slow-motion and without ever looking to see if they are about to be mowed down by a passing car? If I didn't know any better, I'd think these people WANT to be hit. If they do happen to look in the direction of the car, they glare at the car's driver...as if to say "It's MY right-of-way." Technically, this is true. However, a shoving match between a car and a pedestrian is kind of a no-brainer....the car wins EVERY time. The pedestrian may be right...but he could wind up right AND dead. What's the point?

You get this great welcome from the 'greeter' at Walmart. I'm surprised Nordstrom hasn't gotten in on this (without the funky blue smock, of course). These greeters are so happy they could call suicidal people down from ledges. Human Prozac. So sunny you need sunglasses. Of course, in our local store, this is the last bit of positive human interaction you are likely to see, so you might as well suck it up like a sponge.

I'm not a snob. I simply believe ambiance plays a huge part in the shopping experience. Ambiance is achieved through cleanliness, proper lighting and attractive presentation. Also? It helps to provide shopping carts that are in operable condition with a minimum of rust. These things are in short supply at our Wally-World. Sticky floors, clutter and squeaky wheeled carts are not. I was tired of waiting until my youngest child was in preschool before shopping, because I was afraid she'd contract ringworm or lice if I put her in the little seat on the cart.

Our Wally's has a grocery store with the cheapest prices in town. I can easily save $100-$200 a month shopping there so, ambiance be damned, I vowed to buy my food there. It lasted for...the longest bloody six months of my entire life, at which point I fell off the Wally-World Wagon so hard I had road rash. I told my husband I'd rather starve and let our children go hungry than go back into that store. He nodded in sympathy, he'd been avoiding it for the better part of two years and couldn't understand why I put myself through it.

I kid you not, we once stood in Wally World with $800 to spend on outdoor play equipment and could not find a single salesperson to help us. After twenty-minutes of searching I found an employee who looked at me like I'd asked him to sell me a dead body. He looked around, shrugged and pointed across the store. "You could try aisle 5. Its not my department." Oo-kay. I'm not expecting a personal shopper, here, but a little assistance would be nice.

Forty minutes after arriving in the store, I had staked out the 'employee's only' swinging door, hoping to pounce on the first sales associate that emerged. Meanwhile, my husband was on his cell phone arguing with the Wally-World phone operator over how best to get an actual, real-live, sales person to meet him in Sporting Goods. Two hours later, we had finally obtained a swing set for our children. It would have been less work to build the sucker from scratch.

I'm not certain, but I have a sneaking suspicion that our particular store has some sort of 'fast-track' service (or additional discounts) for people who fall into specific categories. Those categories are as follows:

1. People who bathe less than once a week. (Would it kill 'em to try a little soap and water prior to entering the building? Are they allergic to cleanliness?)

2. Dental-ly challenged. (Maybe gap-toothed, rotting grills are all the rage now and I'm just out of the loop.)

3. Those with personal space issues. (The only person I want breathing down my neck in the soup aisle is my husband. No offense...and if you are going to 'reach' past me, make sure the deodorant is working, pal.)

4. Bad Mood Bears. (If you want to play bumper cars with your cart, cut me off, beat your children in the frozen food aisle, curse at me under your breath if you think I'm moving too slow, just do it on your time. I don't really see the point of treating the store like roller derby. I just don't. Also? I'm not going to react to your barbs, insults or bad behavior.)

5. Non-readers: Illiteracy and lack of basic math skills are almost a requirement to walk through the door...and hello! "Don't you got no more of those juice boxes?" is so wrong I don't even know where to begin. Oh, yes I do. DOUBLE NEGATIVE. Figure it out!

Okay, I'm done. Except to say this....I recently had a friend suggest that the reason Wally-World keeps the cigarettes at the front of the store is because by the time you emerge, even non-smokers need to light up just to calm down...makes sense if you think about it.....

Edited to add this: Apparently, I really am out of the loop. I just discovered this....Wally World <---click