So, Where's MY New Car??

Watch a little television during the holiday season and you might walk away feeling just a little left out of all the good stuff.  You might even wonder why your husband doesn't get a clue.  For the record, I think holiday commercials are designed to make husbands everywhere look like the Grinch That Stole Christmas.  The spirit of Christmas is lost on advertisers, apparently, and I wonder what EXACTLY they put under the tree for their own spouses every year...


It's Sunday, Christmas is less than a week away and the football game is on.  Every commercial break is loaded with vignettes of happy couples, doting husbands, snowy evenings with fires burning in fireplaces, Christmas trees so perfectly decorated, I'm already feeling inadequate (ornaments on our tree seem to be falling off faster than we can get them back up and its impossible to determine where they were placed to begin with).  My husband is not doting at this moment.  No, he's too busy trying to watch the football game in the family room while simultaneously performing a raid in an online war game. 

Eleven months out of the year, this is perfectly acceptable to me.  Come December 1, it all goes out the window when these cozy commercial vignettes are broadcast into my home.  Out comes The Perfect Husband and he's holding a tiny box.  There can only be one of two things in the tiny box:  sparkly jewelry or a set of keys to a new luxury vehicle....and if keys are in the box, then dear doting hubby has somehow managed to buy the brand new car and get it into the circular driveway, complete with big red bow (which is unaffected by the snow falling all around) without your kids giving away the surprise and without you discovering the car when you went to collect the mail, the newspaper or to let Fido out to relieve himself. 

I've never met a man who could manage to pull this off.  Not only does the t.v. husband manage to pull it off without a hitch, he apparently knows exactly what make, model and color his t.v. wife has been yearning for and she is so gloriously happy over her unexpected gift, he becomes husband of the year.  The family stands on the (oddly) snowless front steps and oohs and ahhs over mom's new set of wheels. 

In my world, the kids would be far too busy whining over why they have to wait for me to check out the car before they can open their own gifts.  In my world, the four-year-old would follow me around the new car asking for something to eat.  The ten-year-old would be complaining about how bored or cold she is and one of the dogs would slip out the front door somebody left open and go galloping around the neighborhood.  My husband would inevitably take back the box of keys, curse the wayward dog, and go driving around in search of a lost animal with a bow stuck to the top of my new car. The first passenger to christen the car wouldn't be me, it would be Fido and his muddy paws. 

Of course, in my world, the car wouldn't be sitting in the driveway to begin with.  I've yet to meet the woman who woke up Christmas morning to a new a car in the driveway.  I've asked around, believe me, and so far, I've come up empty-handed.  The odds of the new car scenario happening to anyone I know are about as good that we'll catch Santa landing his sleigh on our roof.  Actually, in this particular economy, the odds are more in favor of the Santa scenario. 

So where does this leave the average American husband?  In the doghouse.  What could possibly measure up to this in our consumer-obsessed culture?  A ring with a diamond large enough to ice-skate on, possibly (thanks to the Kay Jeweler ads), but I'd notice if a couple grand disappeared out of one of our bank accounts so the little box wouldn't be the surprise it appears to be when t.v. wifey is surprised with it in front of a roaring fire (kids are missing in this scene because on t.v. the kids actually get to bed and go directly to sleep on Christmas Eve with no fuss...bwaa-haa-haa!!!! That's downright funny.)

No, in my world, there is no brand new car in the driveway and I'm pretty bored by sparkly jewelry, truth be told.  I'm not looking for a new car or diamonds.  My gift doesn't need to break the bank to make me happy.  It just needs to come from the heart or be proof that in between the football games and online war games, my husband has been paying attention to the things that interest me.....not that I'd say no to a brand new car, of course, and if anyone talks to him before he finishes his shopping I'm kind of partial to the Lexus LX 570 in Starfire Pearl with the Cashmere Leather interior and the medium brown walnut accents...you  know, in case he asks or anything....

Happy Holidays!