Dear Telephone Stalker:

Dear Telephone Solicitor, Salesman, Survey-Taker,

I realize times are tough.  Sometimes, we all have to do things we'd rather not.  I'm sure it was never your lifelong goal to cold-call innocent people and browbeat them into subservience, but we all have to make a living and you take the jobs where you can find them.  These things I understand.  What I do NOT understand is why you insist on making your job harder than it needs to be.

For example, when you start calling my home at 9:00 pm and my husband informs you I am not interested, that I am up to my eyeballs in glitter while helping my child finish a school project, just let it go.  It isn't appropriate to cold call anyone at that hour on a Sunday night.  I'm guessing you must have children, otherwise, you'd have chosen a more lucrative and far more socially acceptable career (like armed robbery or prostitution) so you should understand how such a phone call can be disruptive.

Furthermore, when my husband tells you to stop calling, he isn't implying that you should call me at six the next morning.  He means:  Don't call.  Ever.  Thank you very much.  Instead, you ignored him.  You called at six.  You called at 8:00 while I was trying to load the kids into my car.  You called me at noon.  You called me at five that evening.  Really?  Are there so few people in the United States that you actually had time to call me half a dozen times?  I've had stalkers who called me less than you do.

When I tell you I am not interested, I mean it.  I don't want to participate in your survey, buy your life insurance or refinance my house.  In fact, if I did want to do any of these things,  I would be more inclined to seek out someone who's phone number does not come up as 'Out Of Area' on my caller ID, someone who introduces themselves, belongs to an organization that sounds at least vaguely familiar and can tell me how they obtained my home phone number in the first place.  When I ask you to remove me from your list, do not tell me "Let me see what I can do.  It's not really my job."  Yes, it is your job.  While it isn't my job to show you the ropes, I feel compelled to offer you some help in this area.  When I said "Lose My Number" that was your cue (which you missed) to highlight my listing in your database and press the delete key.  Really, it isn't rocket science.  A trained monkey could figure this out.

Have a heart.  Your job sucks, I get that, but it would suck a whole lot less if you didn't wake up my sleeping five-year-old, interrupt me in the middle of dinner or while I'm watching the whole first season of Glee on my DVD player.  Then I would not have to yell at you.  I would not have to hang up on you.  I do not enjoy these long-distance rendezvous...I just don't. 

Don't go away mad.  Just, please, please...go AWAY.

Thanks.

Lady Blackhart