Girl Scout Cookies: It's A War Out There...

You want the truth?  You can't handle the truth. (Seriously.)   As a consumer, you are pleasantly surprised when you discover the local Girl Scout troop has set up shop in the grocery store parking lot, right?  You have a sudden craving for Thin Mints.  Do you buy the cookies now?  Do you wait until after you finish your shopping?  What if they run out of Thin Mints?  You've heard stories of addicts, desperate for a fix, chasing down cookie booths all over the state in an attempt to buy that last box of chocolaty goodness.  Someone  told you about the hijacked cookie truck and the subsequent bidding war on EBay.  Your co-worker bought a case of Do-Si-Dos on Craig's List, once.  Urban legends or the truth?  Only the parents of a Girl Scout knows for sure....

Do your remember that news story about the mom who tried to put out a hit on the mother of her daughter's cheer leading rival?  Yeah, Girl Scout cookie sales are kinda like that.  The second your troop leader passes out the order forms it's game on, no holds barred.  Last one to the finish line is a rotten egg.  Kill or be killed.  It's like roller derby and the Amazing Race all rolled into one.  Friendships are tested, threats of violence are whispered, accusations of cheating abound....not amongst the scouts--among their parents. 

It all starts every February with 'Cookie College', where the scouts get a crash course in cookie-selling etiquette.  The leaders focus on concepts like 'cooperation' and 'working together' and 'team building' but they're preaching to the wrong choir.  It's the parents who morph from well-adjusted, normal citizens into the equivalent of drug dealing used car salesmen.  The turf wars begin before a single dollar changes hands.  Woe to the scout who ventures into a corner of the 'hood that's been claimed by another troop member...unless one happens to be looking for a rumble between the troop moms...in which case, it's game-on.

When a little girl scout from another troop showed up at my front door this year,  I nearly chased her down the street like a rabid dog.  I saw her dad out by the street and I was tempted to start flashing gang (read "troop") signs and calling out my 'homies' (all of whom were at home supervising homework and fixing dinner for their munchkins). My neighbors were MINE.  (I politely declined to buy the cookies and when I closed the door, I whipped out my cell phone and speed dialed everyone in a three block radius warning them not to buy from the little interloper if they knew what was good for them.)

Girl Scout moms (and dads) will go to extremes to ensure their little darlings get those cookies sold.  Don't believe me?  Check this out...a couple of dads in our troop got creative (in the rain, as I recall) just to ensure their girls met their sales goals.  Talk about dedication...

There's a highway construction project somewhere missing it's "Slow For The Cone Zone" sign, I think.  It's been hijacked by the dads of Troop #ABCD...I wasn't actually a part of this, nor were my kids, but only because I didn't find out about it until after the fact. 

Just remember, the next time a little girl in a sash knocks on your door wanting to sell cookies, there's a mommy out there beating the crap out of another troop mommy, to ensure her daughter's success.  There's a dad putting blood, sweat and tears (and possible CALTRANS) into getting those cookies out to you.  Now if that ain't teamwork, I don't know what is.

Now...anybody want to buy some Thin Mints?